Pop Culture Postmortem

Power Girl is Everything Good About Comic Books.

2010-05-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, the 26th of May in the year of our Lord 2010 the 12th issue of DC's Power Girl ongoing series was released. The series itself (like Celine Dion's wailing, banshee heart) will go on, but this issue was the last for the creative team of Jimmy Palmiotti, Justin Gray, and Amanda Conner. While I have great faith in the new team coming on board with issue 13 next month, it would be a lie to pretend I am not sad to see the current team leave. But, looking on the bright side of life, we as comic book fans should be thankful that we have the wonderful twelve issue run that we have. A lot of press is given to the teams behind the Big Names (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern) in comics, and for the most part that praise IS all well deserved (don't get me started on the train wreck called Final Crisis) but the team behind the last year of Power Girl stories truly represent the beating heart of the comics industry.

The writing team of Palmiotti and Gray have woven beautiful, character driven stories that are lighthearted without being dumb, and exciting without being over the top. If I had to compare the writing in this series to anything else, it would be the three seasons of Nickelodeon's Avatar: The Last Airbender series. Both Power Girl and The Last Airbender balance adventure and humor brilliantly, and more people should learn from their example. The Power Girl team seem to know full well that not every story has to be a crisis, and the world doesn't have to be in danger of implosion or explosion each and every month. Before this series, the character of Power Girl had become sadly neglected and two dimensional. She was Power Girl. She was strong. She took no crap, and she had big... well, you know the deal. Palmiotti and Gray made her so much more. More than Power Girl, they gave us Karen Starr, the woman behind the metaphorical mask. Karen has to wake up for work after late nights. Karen has friends, both good and annoying. Thanks to the characterization written into this series, Karen Star lives and breaths as a whole person for the first time in ages and ages.
The art of Amanda Conner... I don't even know where to start. More to the point, I don't know how to describe it without falling into rambling fanboy gushing. It is my honest opinion that Amanda Conner is the single greatest artist working today. Above and beyond the fact that she takes the most beautiful character in the DC universe and manages to make her MORE beautiful, she can show more expressive emotion in one frame than most writers could convey with a page of dialogue. When Karen has to wake up for work she looks annoyed and groggy. When Karen sees her good friends her eyes light up. When Karen sees co-workers that annoy her we can see the frustration in her eyes. Amanda Conner takes an amazing script and makes it MORE amazing.
The first six issues of this team's run have been collected as a trade paperback for your reading pleasure under the title Power Girl: A New beginning, and I am sure a second volume containing the last six issues is on its way. Check your Local Comic Shop (you should ALWAYS support your LCS) and give them a look... they are everything a comic book can and should be.

The End of LOST: The Column Where My Beloved Audience Creates The Column

2010-05-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

This week I have waited until Monday to post our weekly autopsy report for a very special reason. Sunday evening was the end of six seasons of ABC's LOST. Now that it's all come to an end, I want to open the floor to you all. Comment away here and let the PCPM staff and your fellow readers know what you think now that the ride is over. The morgue is yours, my friends. Make as much of a mess as you like, I'll clean it all up when you're done.

Brian Keene Will Fuck You Up and You Will Enjoy Every Minute of It.

2010-05-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

The last three books to grace the screen of my nook were Terminal, Dark Hollow, and Ghost Walk by Brian Keene. I had previously read the analog editions of The Rising, City of The Dead, Dead Sea, The Conquerer Worms, and Ghoul by the same author. Keen writes horror in classic and brilliant SplatterPunk fashion about everything from zombies to satyrs and bank robberies to giant earthworms. Aside from being ball-smashing
works of horror-fiction, the works of Brian Keene all share a common mythos involving another dimension known as the Labyrinth. Lurking in the heart of the Labyrinth are such creatures as Ob and Nodens (don't utter that name out loud please) who want nothing more than the utter destruction of every world (and every alternate version of said worlds) they can worm their way into. Very few writers could pull off something as intricate as an all encompassing mythos while still keeping each and every novel self contained as a perfect starting point for new readers. While each book could be considered another volume in The Labyrinth Series, none are marketed as anything so tacky as The Labyrinth: Book One, The Labyrinth: Book Two, and so on and so forth. You can read them for yourself to learn the subtle interwoven connections, because I could never bring myself to spoil the fun for anyone.
If you are a fan of the horror genre and you are not reading Brian Keene, you are doing yourself a massive injustice. Pick any one of his books and give it a read. You won't regret it. In fact, I'm fairly certain you'll want to come back here and thank me. To quote a very wise man, "The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but i like it!"

Iron Man 2: Let's Get Drunk and Have a Superhero Battle!

2010-05-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

The first Iron Man came out the same year as The Dark Knight, and never made quite the massive splash that it's moodier, spookier, thinking mans superhero competition managed to make. Iron Man couldn't be bothered with all the Bat-Brooding, and instead focused on how damned cool it would be to become a billionaire superhero. Turned out it would be DAMNED COOL indeed. So now, while the next Batman film has just managed to announce an impending release date, we are treated to a second Iron Man film.

What little snippets of critical response I have heard regarding Iron Man 2 have been generally lukewarm and decrying the fact that a sequel film should always be bigger, better, and more impressive than its predecessor, and somehow claiming that Iron Man 2 doesn't live up to that lofty goal. While it is true that Iron Man 2 did not offer any moments where the world as we know it was in jeopardy, any good character driven story doesn't need to put the world in danger to get the audience interested. We can all admit that it is the casting of this film that makes it. The Iron Man armor is sweet, and more on that in a bit, but this is the story Tony Stark, and Robert Downy Jr. completely owns the role. We've seen a handful of actors play Batman in recent years to varying degrees of success, but no one will ever be Tony Stark once Robert Downy Jr. is done with the role. In this story, Tony himself is in danger, and that matters more to us than any super-villain set on world domination ever could.
In truth all a sequel owes its audience is, to borrow a phrase from the GOP, more of the same... emphasis on MORE. Take what you did right the first time and blow it the fuck up, man. Iron Man 2 offers just what we loved about the first Iron Man film only bigger and badder. There's more drunken Tony Stark witticisms, more armor clad ass kicking adventure, and as an added bonus more armored heroes with the addition of fan favorite War Machine joining the fray. You want to complain about that? Go right ahead, just don't expect me to take you seriously.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Kotarski!

2010-05-02T21:14:00.001-07:00

No column this weekend, folks. I had a wedding to watch on the internet!

Superman Hates Commies!

2010-04-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

For my birthday this year, I decided to get my hands on the Nook e-reader from Barnes & Noble. I had very lofty goals regarding what my first e-book would be. It should be something ever so scholarly and clever,

right? Something to show how well read and worldly I am, right? Without a doubt it should be the Queen Victoria biography by Lytton Strachey, right? Right! That is why, without hesitation, I settled down with my Nook to read Enemies & Allies by Kevin J. Anderson, the story of a Cold War era Batman and Superman taking on commies, aliens, and that fiend Lex Luthor. I was familiar with Anderson’s work in the Star Wars universe, and was very curious to see how he handled subject material based a little less in space opera, and more firmly grounded in reality (flying saucers, Area 51, and a strange alien visitor from the planet Krypton notwithstanding).

The story begins with the launch of Sputnik, and while technically Historical Fiction, Anderson himself admits he played it fast and loose with the timeline from that point on. To be honest, I wasn’t too worried about historical accuracy in a book about a man in a bat suit and an alien with heat vision. What’s more important in my mind is an accurate portrayal of two of fictions most iconic characters, and Anderson nails the personalities of Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent (as well as their alter egos) without devolving into parody. Bruce Wayne is dark, brooding, compassionate, and driven. Clark Kent is the big all American boy scout, square jawed and proud, with just a hint of loneliness. Their tales are told separately, chapter by chapter until their first meeting at the home of slimy, no good businessman Lex Luthor, who is portrayed here as almost single handedly creating the Cold War as a means to garner more defense contracts from the US government. This is a meeting that has been told and retold from a hundred different perspectives. We all know they are going to mistrust each other before eventually teaming up to become the World’s Finest superheroes, and yet Anderson manages to make it work.

The book works, and works well. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and the pages seemed to fly by. My only complaint would be that perhaps this story, with its era-specific hook could have better been served as a graphic novel, or as one of DC’s direct to DVD animated features. Anderson did a wonderful job of painting the picture of our Cold War heroes, but the concept itself truly deserves a visual element as well. Maybe I'm just greedy, but I would truly love to see this story played out visually. Of course, we all know that if such a thing were to get made, I'd wind up right back here pointing out places the animated movie didn't live up to the novel. The lesson here? Enjoy what you've got... especially when what you've got is so damned great.

The Kick Ass Review Where I Try to Avoid Saying "Kick Ass, It Totally Did!"

2010-04-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

The reviews for Kick Ass have been split pretty straight down the middle. Some decry the violence and the vulgarity. Some rave about how fantastic it is. I'd sure like to tell you that this review is different, but that might just be a lie. The thing is that Kick Ass is the kind of movie that makes you glad to be alive, IF things like insane, over the top, crime fighting violence and vulgarity makes you glad to be alive... and if it doesn't? Well FUCK your shit. You can go watch Letters to Juliet with your lame ass.

Now, I have only read the first three issues of the Kick Ass comic book, so I can't comment on the differences between comic and film. I hear they are fairly big towards the end which makes me glad that I did hold off on finishing the series. However, when you, as a Hellblazer fan, have been subjected to the absolute horrors of Constantine, then nothing can truly shock you. Yes things were different, perhaps drastically so, but in the end the movie was still easily recognizable as the source material it was based on.

The film has a cast that BLEEDS cool, from my favorite new actor Clark Duke, to Nicolas Cage and his amazing and spot on homage to Adam West, but the show is well and truly stolen by Cloe Moretz in her role as Hit-Girl. I could type from now until the sun burns out and the sky grows black and still not say enough good things about her performance. She plays the role of an eleven year old,hyper-active, foul mouthed, murdering vigilante to the hilt. From the moment she first appears on the screen in a whirlwind of blades and blood to the tune of the Banana Splits theme, the movie might as well change its name from Kick Ass to Hit-Girl.

Kick Ass takes the concept brought about by Watchmen, looking at what world would be like if super heroes truly existed, and goes in a completely different but equally amazing direction. So if you haven't yet, go see Hit-Girl, I mean Kick Ass...

...because yeah, it TOTALLY does!

Date Night With Date Night

2010-04-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest with you, the plan had been to go see the remake of Clash of the Titans. It's been weeks since I was able to really let go here with a good spiteful rant. Next week Kick-Ass comes out, and I'm doubting I'll be able to hate that movie very much. All that I have heard about CotT v2.0 lead me to believe that it would be perfect fodder for an acidic rant, however I realized one very important thing: I just don't hate myself enough to pay hard earned money to sit through something that is all but destined to be completely awful. So, I sent a text my wife's way asking if she'd like to go out to see the new Steve Carell and Tina Fey vehicle Date Night. I know, two comedies in three weeks. What's that all about, right?

I got really worried that I had made a poor choice when every preview leading up to the film itself looked like the type of in-flight movies they show on the plane to Hell itself. Letters to Juliet? Seriously? Christ a-mighty I'd rather cut my fucking genitals off with a spork than ever see one single frame oh that unholy, predictable speck of filth! Sex in the City 2? You think i'm about to damn this shit with every fiber of my being don't you? Oh you're close. Sarah Jessica Parker is the ugliest woman alive, and a boil on the ass of humanity, but Kim Cattrall? Oh sweet Kim Cattrall, every time I see you I am whisked away to a magical land known as the Late Eighties where they play Mannequin on constant repeat. Oh Kim Cattrall, you make even the worst fucking movie trailers easier to sit through. Of course, with Mannequin on my DVD shelf, I have to reason to actually sit through this bloody abortion of a film. Oh, look at that, I DID get to vent some bile this week. Yay!
By the time Date Night started I was dreading it to say the least, but then something magical happened... It was awesome, mixed with a thick caramel swirl of hilarious! This year, I shall use Hot Tub Time Machine as the film by which I judge all other comedies, so here comes my Date Night versus Hot Tub Time Machine comparison. Hot Tub Time Machine was the over all funnier movie. I laughed HARDER at Hot Tub Time Machine, but Date Night easily had more heart. Maybe it's because the two main characters managed to remind me so very much of my wife and myself that I enjoyed it so much, but truly I think that was the point the whole time. The writers crafted a married couple that have their fair share of every day married couple problems, but at the heart of it all, truly love each other. It's a trite cliche to be sure, but the movie works because you care about the characters.
Well, that and who WOULDN'T want to see Tina Fey in a form fitting corset and not much else? But seriously, we well and truly enjoyed our date night out to see Date Night. Do yourself a favor and take somebody you care about to see it. Aaaaw isn't that sweet? We're all heart here at Pop Culture Postmortem... when we're not struggling to hold in the flaming vomit induced by the trailer for Letters to Juliet.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Critics and Hipsters, Have You Heard the New Disc by the Evelyn Sisters?

2010-04-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

First off, Happy Easter from the offices of Pop Culture Postmortem. If you don't celebrate Easter, do the world a favor, shut up about it and let everyone that does enjoy their bunnies, chocolate eggs and zombie carpenters. Now that we have that message of religious tolerance out of the way, allow me to tell you about the self titled debut album by Evelyn Evelyn. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then my thoughts on the matter should come as no real surprise, but don't spoil it for the rest of the class okay?
Evelyn Evelyn tells the story of Eva and Lyn Neville, a pair of orphaned Parapagus Tripus Dibrachius twins,conjoined at the hip and sharing three legs, two arms, two hearts, three lungs, and a single liver. Alternating between musical offerings, and the twins narrating their life story, the albums twelve tracks contain a world of haunting, ethereal beauty and near Shakespearean tragedy as we follow the Neville sisters from their inauspicious birth through their unfortunate lives leading to their decision to post their original compositions on a little thing they discovered by the name of MySpace. From the opening track (again titled Evelyn Evelyn) through the almost saccharine sweet child friendly Elephant Elephant, and up to the finale, an acoustic cover of Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart, the story of the sisters Evelyn will captivate you. Even if you are in on the fact that Evelyn Evelyn are in fact the purely fictional creation of former Dresden Doll Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley, the album is still an astonishingly beautiful work of art.
There's a lesson I learned years ago from, strangely enough, Amanda Palmer's fiance Neil Gaiman, that I feel perfectly sums up the story of the Neville sisters. Things do not need to actually happen to be true. Yes, the entire album was written and performed by Amanda and Jason. No, there are no Neville sisters. None of that matters though, because through the magic of music and storytelling, it's all true... every word and every note.
In conclusion, yes, I love Evelyn Evelyn with all my heart and think every single person reading this should give it a listen, as it is a work of art from start to finish.

(We here at Pop Culture Postmortem would like to thank our friend and emergency editor Trina Talma for her help wrangling a particularly pesky sentence in this column.)

The Hot Tub Time Machine Review Where I Was High Off My Face

2010-03-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Sometime between going to bed last night and waking up this morning, my sinuses decided to go on strike. I've been a stuffed up sneezing wreck since I crawled from the warm embrace of my bed this morning, so forgive me if this shit gets a bit off kilter as my brain is drowning in chemicals at the moment. Fuck me, what was that?!? What? Nevermind. Hot Tub Time Machine!

Hooooooooot Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuub Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime Machiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

You were supposed to read that in the Fever Dogs voice from Almost Famous, if you were wondering. But seriously, this movie was god damned hilarious! I can't say enough good things about Hot Tub Time Machine. Check your doubts (and your brain) at the door, because why would you question a movie with a name like this? Just take a seat, let the lights go down and enjoy! With references to Hunter S. Thompson and Stephen Hawking, cameo appearances by Chevy Chase and Crispin Glover, and wall to wall 80s awesomeness, this movie had me laughing like a mental patient. The entire cast is spot on from start to finish... especially relative newcomer Clark Duke who first came to my attention when he KILLED in the otherwise only mildly above average coming of age comedy Sex Drive. Keep an eye on this kid, folks. He's going places.

Fuck you donuts! Fuck you and your tempting sugary ways! Sorry, there's donuts staring at me. Delicious, fresh, cakey bastards!

Okay in summary, why would you NOT go see an 80s movie starring John Cusack? Hot Tub Time Machine is just as brilliant, ridiculous and hilarious as you would expect from a movie with that title. Go. Watch it. You'll thank me.

Like a Twelve Year Old With Tourette's: Pop Culture Postmortem's Review of Pokemon Heart Gold and Soul Silver

2010-03-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Here at Pop Culture Postmortem we enjoy ourselves some Pokemon, and are completely unapologetic about that fact. There's far too little fun left in this stinking world for us to be able to justify ignoring something we take joy in just because onlookers might think it a bit silly. So, you lot keep enjoying your March Madness in peace (screaming, drunken peace) and we'll be over here catching 'em all, okay?

I bring this up because a week ago on Sunday, March 14th the latest editions of the Pokemon RPG was released for the Nintendo DS and DSi. Not new games in and of themselves, Pokemon: Heart Gold and Pokemon Soul Silver are updated remakes of the original Second generation of Pokemon games, Pokemon Gold and Pokemon Silver, originally released in the US in 2000. This was fully three years before I was introduced to the Pokemon video games, so Heart Gold and Soul Silver are, for all practical intents and purposes, new games to me.
For the uninitiated, allow me to explain that Heart Gold and Soul Silver, as with all dual iterations of Pokemon RPGs are essentially the same game, but with different types of pokemon available in each version. This assures that if you truly do wish to Catch 'em All, you will need to actually have friends, or buy both editions. I decided to go with Soul Silver for two reasons. First, I just don't like gold and second, Ho-Oh, the pokemon on the cover of the Heart Gold box, looks like god damned Toucan Sam on fucking crack.
At any rate, a week ago, riding the Metro 41 down to the Seattle Convention Center for day two of the Emerald City ComiCon, I popped Pokemon: Soul Silver into my Nintendo DS. I had a very simple goal, and that was to activate a device that comes packaged with the new games, the Pokewalker. The Pokewalker is probably the greatest thing to happen to the Pokemon games since the dawn of their existence, a pedometer that you can beam your pokemon from the game directly into which allows you to level them up and play with them while walking. I was going to be doing more walking than Moses in the wilderness at the ComiCon and damn it all, I wanted those steps to not be in vain. The Pokewalker not only urges kids to be more active, it allows me to play Pokemon while walking around at work, and allows other members of the family to get into the game. Our dashing and handsome bastard of a guest columnist has been known to give it to his three year old son (because let's face it, who has more energy than a three year old?) and have his wife wear it while grocery shopping. By allowing the whole family to take part in the care and raising of their pocket monsters, Nintendo has brought about a whole new level to the games experience.
I've seen the phrase Review Proof bandied around a lot of late, and if any series of games were to fall into that category, it would certainly be the endless supply of Pokemon games. Either you like Pokemon or you don't, and Heart Gold and Soul Silver are no exceptions. The game itself is as fun as any version of the Pokemon RPG franchise. You are a boy or girl who has set out to become a Pokemon Training Bad-Ass, and nothing is going to stop you, even those pricks from Team Rocket who are up to no good at every turn. If you've played any of the Pokemon RPGs before, then these will hold no real surprises for you, save the shiny touch screen polish that has been added to the user interface, and the ability for your lead pokemon to now follow you around the world instead of live wadded up in his or her Pokeball, an idea borrowed from 1999's animated series influenced Pokemon Yellow. The thing is, playing this game doesn't feel like playing a rehash of every other Pokemon game this far, it feels like coming home again. It feels good and fun and comfortable.
If you like the Pokemon series, you'll love Pokemon: Heart Gold and Soul Silver. If you can't stand them, then you already know that. However, if you haven't played a Pokemon game before, for whatever reason, then do yourself a favor and give one a try. With great skepticism, I gave Sapphire a very tongue in cheek try seven years ago, giving my first pokemon the charming sobriquet Fuckass. I wound up enjoying the piss out of it, and have been back for every release since then. So there it is, nobody is too cool for school. Give Pokemon a try, and you just might get hooked.

Alice in Wonderland and a Desperate Plea to End Rampant Movie Theater Dickery

2010-03-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

Okay we'll get to Alice in a bit. First I need you all to take a seat and get comfortable because your humble narrator needs to get on his righteous soapbox and preach for a moment. All settled in? Good, here goes.

As I type this I am seated in the theater waiting for Alice to start and I have a few words to say on the topic of Movie Theater Ettiquete. I hope none of what I am about to say applies to people clever enough to read PCPM so instead I ask you simply to carry this message forward, my beautiful disciples.
When you go to the movie theater, try paying attention to the world around you for even one fucking second okay? Going to a busy premier weekend? Then there's going to be a line, so unless you man up and get there early like some of us are willing to do you can either join the back of that line like a big boy, or you can mill around forming your own pseudo-line to the OTHER side of the line and confuse the bloody hell out of people as they approach the theater, luring them into your own blasphemous mockery of a line. The funny part of all this is that none of the morons I have seen do this time and time again ever seem to be doing it maliciously, they are just complete knuckle dragging idiots without sense enough to realize what they are doing. These horrible BLIGHTS upon the human race don't even realize there IS already a line because they have all the keen perception of your average dinner plate. It's popular to refer to the great unwashed masses of humanity as cattle, but in all fairness to our bovine friends, I have seen far more brain activity in your average herd of cattle. So please, if you know anyone guilty of this or any other form of blatant Movie Theater Dickery, do us all a favor and slap them upside the fuckin' head yeah?
So, with that cleared up, I'll be back in a bit. The movie is starting.
Hey! I'm back... Now, let me tell you about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. The short sweet review would go something like this:
Z0mg!!1 Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!
A more in depth review would be sure to mention that, while the trailers were vague on this point, this movie is, in fact, set up as a sequel to the original Lewis Carrol stories. Having said that, one would be sure to mention the story exists on its own merit, while playing beautifully off of the original. As a Disney film, the visuals are heavily influenced by Disney's 1951 animated film, but still benefit greatly from Tim Burton's unique vision, but we'll talk more about Burton later. Relative newcomer Mia Wasikowska is breath-taking as a grown but still wide eyed and wonderful Alice, and the supporting cast is simply beyond reproach. The credits read like a who's who of my favorite actors. This is the cast I would have created myself given the chance, and in particular I can not say enough about the genius of a Stephen Fry Cheshire Cat. I found myself grinning like a child (or indeed like the Cheshire Cat himself) every moment he was on screen. Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter is a fractured and lovable man, driven to take refuge in the armor of his own dementia rather than face the horrors he has had the misfortune to stand witness to, Do I even have to point out that Depp is a delight in the role? It finally seems that the rest of the world is catching on to what some of us knew from season one of 21 Jump Street. The score, crafted by Danny Elfman, is ethereal, haunting, and playful, perfectly fitting the tone of the film from start to finish. As I have said before and will most certainly say again, any time the names Tim Burton, Danny Elfman, and Johnny Depp are involved with a movie, it is a sure bet the movie in question will be brilliant. They are the holy trinity of spooky-dreamy motion picture perfection, and Alice in Wonderland is no exception. Go see it as soon as you can manage, because I can assure you I will certainly be seeing this again and again myself. Right, i'm off to go look into IMAX tickets for the Pacific Science Center. In summary: Squee!!! Alice! Go See it!

This Week's Ever So Clever Title: Some Shit Sucks. Some Shit is Awesome.

2010-02-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

Let's get right to the point and play a little game of compare and contrast, shall we? This Friday, I had the pleasure of viewing the latest film directed by Kevin Smith, Cop Out. As has been discussed at great length already, this is Smith's first time directing a film he didn't write as well as his first film for a major studio. Has
Kevin Smith sold out, or burnt out? I am happy as hell to say in no uncertain terms that the answer is a loud NO. In honor of Kevin's recent run-in with Southwest Airlines, I purchased two seats to Cop Out, and from the first scene to the last I was laughing my ass off. I don't often bother seeing comedies in the theater, but I am damned glad I did. Cop Out is a wonderful homage to the buddy cop films of the 80s and if you enjoyed Fletch, Lethal Weapon, or Dan Aykroyd's Dragnet movie, then you will fuckin' LOVE Cop Out!
Now on to the next topic: The FOX Network's The Cleveland Show. I keep hoping that this God forsaken show will either get better or shrivel up and die, and yet week after week I am confronted by the festering abscess, oozing its filth squarely between The Simpsons and Family Guy. Does anyone actually enjoy this fucking vile abortion of a television program? I swear, Seth MacFarlane made this rotten beast on a bet. "Hey guys, these people are eating up anything I throw at them."
"Oh yeah? I bet you can't get away with making a show that is deliberately awful!"
"Dude, I bet I can!"
"You're on man, it's a bet!"
And thus, The Cleveland Show was stillborn. It's the god damned Scientology of the FOX Sunday night line up. Every second of this show is like being force fed steaming spoons full of vomit and razorblades. If by some freak chance you actually LIKE this show, I want you to go do something for me okay? First, explain what it is exactly that you find entertaining about this show, and then I want you to find the tallest building you can and jump off of it well before you ever imagine passing your defective DNA on for future generations to suffer through.* We all clear on that? Yeah? Cool. Thanks for visiting, and have a good night.

*We here at Pop Culture Postmortem do NOT advocate self harm in any way. We were, however, totally serious about that not ever breeding thing.

A Shutter Island Carol: Martin Scorsese Does His Best Impression of M. Night Shyamalan

2010-02-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

Martin Scorsese is a genius: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am about to relate.

Okay okay, any two month too late homage to Charles Dickens aside, Martin Scorsese makes better movies than most mortal men and women while he's napping. He could win an Oscar (he typed, ignoring how awful the very idea of The Academy Awards were) while drooling on his pillow, and you, whoever you may be reading this, can not. Don't take it personally, neither can I. Now, all adoration of Martin Scorsese aside, let me tell you that I think Shutter Island is one of the films he slept through. If I were to find out that Shutter Island was made on a bet to see if Scorsese could out-Shyamalan M. Night Shyamalan, I would not be the least tiny little bit shocked. My wife and I both had the "twist" ending pegged within the first five minutes, and we sat through the last one hundred thirty-three minutes just watching him fill in the blanks and connect the dots. There came a point about twenty minutes from the end where I thought the Shyamalanesque TWIST could get genuinely interesting by offering a sort of unexpected un-twisting, but alas, this was not to be.
Having said that, allow me to once again point out that Scorsese is a genius and even his less that perfect films are well worth seeing, even if only for the fact that this one absolutely oozes pulpy film-noir moodiness from every pore. But visually stunning as each frame may be, this is no Last Temptation of Christ or Goodfellas. I just don't imagine Shutter Island winning any awards or making its way onto any Top 100 lists any time soon, and by soon I mean ever. In the end, my only recourse is to place the novel the film was based on at the end of my already bloated and grossly overpopulated reading list to see if the problems with the film are inherent to the story at its core, and offer you this in way of a final statement re: Shutter Island. Go see it, it's still about one hundred times better than a certain blue-giants-that-have-creepy-tail-sex movie.

It's Valentines Day...

2010-02-14T10:51:00.001-08:00

so fuck off, I'm busy.

But seriously... no column this weekend, sorry.

So We Went To See Avatar

2010-02-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

Finally surrendering to my own inability to feel true apathy, I actually went to immerse myself fully in the 3D IMAX AVATAR experience. Yes, I know I touched slightly upon my feelings towards AVATAR last week in my discussion of Mass Effect 2, but I wanted to take a moment here to clarify my thoughts. This is as much for me as it is anyone else, you lucky bastards just get to come along for the ride.

I do not regret going to see the film, as it certainly was beautiful. For the first time since the damnable practice became commonplace, CGI effects actually managed to integrate with reality to a point where my lizard brain didn't scream TOO loudly that "NO, This is WRONG! This is NOT real and I will not accept it!" I am glad I went to see it in all it's mind-blowing visually revolutionary hugeness, but let me say this: Thank god the film was projected in three dimensions because I have never in my life been confronted with a more two dimensional script. Let me be real clear on this, there is more depth, character development and growth in Andy Samberg and Bill Hader's Saturday Night Live Digital Shorts series LASER CATS than there is in a picture that is currently nominated for a Best Picture Oscar by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. If James Cameron had stuck to directing, and hired a grown up writer to flesh out his storyline then this movie could truly been the epic work that it so desperately wants to be, but he has fallen prey to the same egotistical, doomed thinking that sabotaged the STAR WARS prequels. A once great writer/director who no longer has to struggle with adversity, and has too much money for anyone within their personal orbit to feel the ability to say NO to any of their crackpot ideas.

"No, Mr. Lucas... Gungans are fucking awful, and the dialogue in this final saber duel between Kenobi and Skywalker could be better written by a fifth grader."

"No Mr. Cameron, you can't just watch Pocahontas and change the Native Americans to giant blue aliens with creepy Lovecraftian cocks in their ponytails. Maybe we could hire a writer to smooth some of these rough ideas out."

THESE are things that needed to be said, and things that Lucas and Cameron had far too much money to ever hear. There is NO shame in credits reading "Written by So And So. Based On A Story Idea By George Lucas or James Cameron" and our world would be better for it. But thanks to Scrooge McDuck levels of money and fevered egos, we have things like AVATAR and lines like "From my point of view it is the Jedi who are evil!" We deserve better than that people, we really truly do! Or maybe we don't... $601 Million and counting on the Big Blue Cash Cow shows that piss poor writing and gooshy visual orgasms are the only things you fuckers want. If that's the case then go ahead and swim in it until your fingers get all pruney, but don't come crying to me when the smash hit EXPLOSIONS AND KICKS IN THE BALLS IV starring Marlon Wayans wins an Oscar five years from now. God damn it, sometimes I really fucking hate you people...

In Which Mass Effect 2 Gives Your Humble Narrator Tourette's Syndrome. Can He Forgive It?

2010-01-31T16:43:00.001-08:00

As promised, I spent the vast majority of my week crouched over the fallen corpse of Mass Effect 2, elbow deep, and exploring it's sordid viscera so that I may come back to you with a full report. At the point of writing this I have played through roughly half of the storyline, recruiting all but one team-member and taking each of them on their personal missions to ensure loyalty. I plowed through ME1 in one short weekend, like a bulldozer, eager to be finished in time to play the second, but I am taking my sweet time with ME2, gently caressing its curves like those of my quarian lover. I want to coax every ounce of enjoyment out of this game on my first run through. As you may be able to tell, I went into this hoping to fall down on my knees in absolute praise of this game and declaring myself unworthy of its glory, but in truth I found as much to decry as to I found to revere. I am sure this will be a statement of purest blasphemy to some, but as I see it, it's naught but sad truth. Was the good able to outweigh the awful? Let's see...

First of all, the writers of this story need a big, shiny god damned medal. In fact, I can now officially say that the writing staff of Mass Effect 2 are superior in every way to that dried up old hack James Cameron and what he calls writing. Sure, much like his giant, blue sacrificial cow, AVATAR, there's nothing inherently original about the ME2 storyline, but, unlike AVATAR, it manages to find a fresh approach to its standard sci-fi fare and pull all the right emotional strings with the practiced skill of a virtuoso to the point that you can't help but care about your character, your ship, and your crew, even the assholes. If you played through ME1 and ported your character over to ME2 then you won't be able to HELP but stare in awe at what they put you though in the first twenty minutes of the game.
The very ability to port your old character into the new game is genius. I loved it when the guys at Penny Arcade did it with their Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness series, and it was that single idea that attracted me to the Mass Effect series in the first place. It's a wonderful idea that I really hope catches on across the industry, turning game sequels into actual an actual continuation of the original, and rewarding players who play their way through the series.
The changes to the armor system are welcome, and warmly embraced. No longer do you wear something that absolutely hideous just because the puke green and desert camo armor is the best you have found so far. Armor upgrades can be found and purchased piecemeal and added or removed from your suit as you see fit. The whole suit, upgrades and all, can be modified to any color scheme you desire, allowing you to both KEEP your N7 chest logo (It sucked to have to ditch your N7 armor so fast in ME1 because let's face it, it looks way more bad-ass than any of the other crap you picked up along the way.) and still look like anything from Iron Man to Night Thrasher.* Yes, I am a sucker for good character customization, and making your version of Commander Shepard truly YOURS in word, deed, and appearance is where the Mass Effect series, and Mass Effect 2 specifically, shines brightest.
So where, then, does this wonderful game fall flat on it's beautifully customized face? Well, in BioWare's urge to change and upgrade the game's interface they have paid little to no attention to the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" adage. You see, the mapping system in ME1 was well made and well handled. We were given access to an easy to read overhead map of the area we were currently in, and the ability to pin a flag to whichever location we wished to move towards. This flag would then show up in-game on the mini-map located in the lower right hand corner of your screen and guide you towards your goal, where you could also see red pinpoints representing nearby enemy locations.
All of that has been brutally, and heartlessly torn from the body of ME2. It seems like such a minor change compared to their revamped armor and weapon mechanics, but it has caused me more frustration than I would have thought possible. Commander Nikola Shepard wandered lost as a child around the Citadel for a full thirty-plus minutes in search of a quarian woman (yes I have a bit of a soft spot for the species) accused of being a pick-pocket, unable to find his way back to her with the evidence to clear her name. Commander Nikola Shepard has been shot point blank in the back of his fucking head, what is left of his now jellied brains splattered all over the crates he was using for cover more times than I care to recall thanks to his inability to know if an enemy has come up behind him. To call this issue frustrating doesn't do real justice to the level of Tourette's Syndrome inducing rage brought on time and time again when I am forced to restart from my last save point (P.S. Much like Dragon Age, do yourself a favor and save this bastard every ten minutes) because some jagoff Blue Sun operative sneaks up behind me to bust a space-cap in my ass. God DAMN IT that dumb-assed fucking shit pisses me right the fucking fuck off, for fuck's sake! Somebody needs to be slapped in the mouth for this pointless change, and that is a FACT.
Here then, is the ultimate point... The absolute bliss of playing this game far outweighs that frustration. For all that I see the disgusting, bloody scabs left by the brutalization of the mapping system, none of that matters when the SSV Normandy S2 is unveiled before your eyes, or when the aforementioned Commander Nikola Shepard (or y'know.... WHATEVER you name your Shepard) head buts a krogan in the FACE in the middle of his grunting hate speech. At the end of the day the good and the beautiful FAR outweigh the annoying. This game redefines what entertainment can be, and gives us a glimpse of what entertainment will be in the future. Mass Effect 2 is beyond sweet. Get your hands wrapped around the series before Mass Effect 3 (already announced) comes out. You won't regret it.

*both MARVEL references, if you were paying attention.

Shaking the Bones: A PCPM dissection of Boneshaker by Cherie Priest

2010-01-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

For the last 48 hours (starring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy) I have been immersed in Mass Effect for the Xbox 360 in preparation for the release of Mass Effect 2 this Tuesday. It has gotten to the point that last night, as I was drifting into sleep, the Mass Effect targeting reticule constantly appeared over the cast members of my dreams. Now, come Tuesday I will be thrown back into that world (yes pity me) in order to bring you a ME2 review a week from today. With that in mind, I am here today to tell you about something that is wonderfully NOT Mass Effect, or for that matter video game related at all.

If you were smart enough to pick up Abney Park's Æther Shanties on my previous recommendation, then you have the perfect soundtrack for reading Cherie Priest's latest novel, Boneshaker. I make no qualms about being an absolute slathering devotee of all things SteamPunk. Boneshaker is a wonderful example of exactly WHY I am so hopelessly in love with the genre and the subculture it has spawned. If you've yet to be introduced to the wonders of SteamPunk, or have been observing it's growth from the sidelines, this is the place to dive in headfirst. This book is a wonderfully crafted adventure wrapped in Mad Science, Airships, Brass Goggles, and an alternate-history downtown Seattle, walled off from the rest of the world and crawling with zombies and intrigue. Priest beautifully weaves words to create her world, populating Seattle with believable characters speaking delightfully realistic dialogue. This may have been the first of her novels I have read, but I assure you it will not be the last. Boneshaker is, without a doubt, the most delightful story I have read in a very long time, and I look forward to my next chance to pick up anything with Cheri Priest's name on it.

The Addams Family, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and Bayonetta: The Review Trifecta

2010-01-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

Here I am, back from vacation, and so you're stuck with me. In the last two weeks I have seen The Addams Family in Chicago starring Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnasus starring Heath Ledger, and played a good 80% of SEGA's Bayonetta on my Xbox 360. So the question is, which one do I want to tell you about?

The Addams Family was spectacular, and I'd love to tell you how amazing Nathan Lane was as Gomez Addams. I'm dying to say how hard I fell in love with Bebe Neuwirth as Morticia. I'm chomping at the bit to explain to you how it took me a moment to accept that the story started off with Wednesday Addams' 18th birthday celebration, but in the end we all KNOW that a LEGAL Wednesday Addams is a great thing indeed. I'd revel in divulging the tentacle-tastic details surrounding the workings of the song In The Arms (Of a Squid). The problem is that unless you live in New York City, and feel like making your way to Broadway where the show is currently playing, you won't have the chance to see the show any time soon... and it'd be just plain mean of me to tell you how much fun it all is when you've no bloody chance of taking it all in. I love you people, so I'd NEVER do that to you.
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnasus then? The latest Terry Gilliam film, that's almost all you need to know. If you like Gilliam's work, then you'll love this. If you had no use for Brazil, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or The Brothers Grimm then there's not much here for you. I happen to be a fan of his work and so I loved a good 75% of the movie. The problem comes in the last quarter of the story where Colin Farrell takes on the role of Heath Ledger's Tony character. I don't believe this is Farrell's fault, I just think that the last act of the film is a bit weakly written. I hate to say it because, as stated, I think Gilliam (as well as his co-writer Charles McKeown) is a genius in all things, but the end of this film just falls apart a bit. Having said that, it's still well worth seeing for the good 75% that comes first. The film is a living breathing dreamscape, and watching the subtle transformation from Heath Ledger into Johnny Depp alone is worth the price of admission. Just, y'know... beware of the ending.
Then there is Bayonetta... my wonderful, beautiful Bayonetta. My Irresistibley wicked witch, Bayonetta. What can I say, honestly? Everything about this game is, Spinal Tap style, turned up to eleven. The action is over the top, the violence is over the top, the sexuality is over the top, and they all blend together seamlessly until you are unable to tell where one ends and the other begins. Bayonetta herself is an unapologetic, unstoppable heroine who makes even Lara Croft look like a bit of a crybaby sissy in comparison. I hear that this game bares more than a passing resemblance to the Devil may Cry series, which I have never played but comes as no surprise as it was developed by the same team. From all my research (and by research mean "talking to people who HAVE played the DMC series") it seems that Bayonetta is Devil May Cry perfected. For people that insist that Bayonetta's outrageous, ramped up sexuality is degrading to women, I submit this to you: Bayonetta, for all her wicked, slinky, lollipop sucking, clothing losing ways, takes complete and utter control of every situation she finds herself in. She is a take charge, take no bullshit bad-ass without equal and by far and away a superior role model in every way to that rotten, horrid, worthless COW, and current pre-teen role-model, Bella Swann. To watch Bayonetta mercilessly destroy everything that gets in her way and still come out with a wink and a blown kiss is nothing short of breathtakingly empowering to the Nth degree. She manages to be tougher than a Pantera song, and never loses her femininity. I have said it before and I will say it again: The rest of 2010 is going to be a really big disappointment because i think the best game of the year has already been released. Granted, I first said that before hearing that FABLE III may drop later this year, but the sentiment remains the same. This game is insane, and I can't put it down. I am sure there will be other games I enjoy this year, but with the possible exception of the possibility of another game in the FABLE series, I can not begin to imagine a game I will like MORE than Bayonetta coming out for a long long time.
There you have it... Three reviews for the price of one, you lucky lucky bastards.

The Column Where I Was On Vacation, or The Guest Column: Five(ish) Reasons To See Avatar

2010-01-10T20:41:00.000-08:00

So gang, I'm typing this from my grandmother's basement while I am wrapping up my vacation back home to Freeport, IL. I've been run ragged all week, and luckily my good friend Tom Nord was good enough to write up a follow up piece to last week's column. So now, without further delay, here is Pop Culture Postmortem's first guest column:

So chances are that unless you’ve been hibernating for the last 3 months you’ve heard of a little film called Avatar - James Cameron’s first feature film since the record breaking Titanic. Well, it would seem Mr. Cameron has been spending his time between films inventing new ways to break records. Avatar is now officially the fastest film to break the $1 billion mark and is starting to show signs that it is a serious contender for the highest grossing film of all time.
Most folks by now have either seen Avatar or have no plans to. Well, this article isn’t really for either of you. It is for the much smaller segment of the movie going crowd – the ones who might see it, but have yet to make up their minds. If you are on the fence I am here to help. I have come up with a list of 5ish reasons why I believe you should go see Avatar in the theater before it’s too late and you’ve missed your chance forever (or at least until they bring it back to the theaters for another run).

In the interest of full disclosure, due to an unfortunate set of circumstances I have only seen the 2D version. I plan to see the IMAX 3D version soon and just for kicks I would really like to see the REAL D version as well. For more information on the different versions, see this.

1. The number one reason everyone should go to their local theater and see Avatar is that it stands a chance at dethroning Titanic as the highest grossing film of all time. Think about it, the juggernaut that is Leo and Kate might finally fall – to a science fiction piece no less! Even if you don’t give two shits about this movie, you can care about knocking Titanic off the top of the hill. And even if you are indifferent to Titanic and its place in history, do it for the science fiction genre. Having a sci-fi film at the top of the mountain can only serve as a reminder to studios that it is not a genre to be ignored or passed over.
2. Ok, let’s say you don’t plan catch it in theaters, because you can always see it on DVD or Blu-ray. Well congratulations, you have now fucked yourself out of the best way to see this film and the difference isn’t going to be a small one. As everyone knows the home theater experience isn’t quite the same as the theater experience, but that difference will be much more noticeable with Avatar.
To enjoy the movie in all its 3D glory you will need: a 3D copy of the movie, a Blu-ray player capable of playing back 3D movies, and a TV capable of showing those 3D images. Yes, CES has given us hope that all of this is just around the corner, and in fact some of it is already here, but it still means you have to buy it. The 3D discs shouldn’t be a big issue, I’m sure Cameron will see to that. The 3D capable Blu-ray players won’t be a problem for most folks since many of the current models will simply require a firmware update. This does include the Playstation 3 by the way. However, there are a whole lot of HD televisions out there and only a small fraction of them are 3D capable. Prices may be coming down on the HD sets, but they still aren’t low enough that most folks are just gonna run out and replace their existing set for the sole reason of 3D playback – not in this economy. But again, even if you manage to drop some coin and get all the necessary components to this puzzle, you’re still viewing it on a screen that is only a fraction of the size of a theater screen. The total immersion experience will hardly be the same and believe me, it’s worth it. This leads me to reason 3.
3. Not having seen any of the 3D versions yet I can only relate second hand knowledge of those prints, but if the 2D release is any indication they the prettiest films ever released. Seriosly, the Discovery channel could do a 3 hour documentary on the planet Pandora and I would watch it, repeatedly. For now I will settle for this lovely little bit they did put together. As an added bonus it is narrated by the ever awesome Sigourney Weaver. Thousands of hours went in to creating this rather expansive world and so much attention was paid to the details. What you don’t see on screen however, is all the work that went in to creating the vision, but by all accounts it was no small undertaking. For its place in visual effects history alone this film is worth the price of admission.
4. Sigourney Weaver. I don’t really feel like I need to say more than that, but for your benefit I will. She is a brilliant actress and always seems to shine whenever she is involved in the sci-fi genre. Avatar is no exception. Why is this in my list of reasons to see Avatar in the theater when you can see her in the home release just the same? Because at one point in this film she does her best Poison Ivy impression and it truly is a thing of beauty. So beautiful in fact that it must be seen on the largest screen you can find. Seeing it in 3D can’t hurt either. Did I also mention she’s hot?
5. James Cameron. Sure, he gave us Titanic, but he also gave us Terminator (1 and 2), Aliens, and The Abyss. Surely that has earned him some good will with the movie going public and fanboy in general. His films make a lot of money, so studios love him. His films make fanboys drool, so we love him too (admit it, even if you didn’t like Titanic you thought it was pretty). Avatar is no exception to the rule. Sure the story is 100% predictable – and a retelling of a variety of other stories - but you won’t care. You’ll be so immersed in this bright new world that you don’t need a story. It’s almost as if the story is more a tour guide to the lush world of Pandora than anything else. George Lucas made 2 more prequels to Star Wars after Phantom Menace. How many of you saw them? That’s right, even though the first movie was panned by the critics (and many of the fans) millions of people still went to see the second film. Why? Because it was George Lucas and Star Wars. All I’m saying here is give the man a chance. You just might find that you enjoy his little film.
6. This is sort of a bonus reason and won’t apply to everyone so please indulge me on this point. One of the great things about working for Adobe is that we create software that is used in everything from comic books, to television shows, to movies. Avatar is no exception, so when I see this I feel sense of obligation to check it out. Especially since one of the features I spent a lot of time working on was used quite a bit.
So there you have it, my 5ish reasons to check out Avatar in your local theater before it disappears. If you’ve already seen it once, perhaps this will inspire you to give it another viewing – well, reason #1 should at least.

The Post Where Your Humble Narrator Reviews Sherlock Holmes (sort of) And Is Driven Mad By His Own Brain.

2010-01-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

So here it is 2010 and along with not seeing a SINGLE flying car, I still haven't seen the bajillion dollar god damned hype machine known as Avatar. Every showing was sold out out on Christmas day when went to see Sherlock Holmes, so obviously the rest of the world has seen it by now.
Now, I don't see a future where Sherlock Holmes wins any awards (P.S. Fuck awards, they are all bullshit. The Oscars are a fucking joke and The Academy would all kill themselves today if they had anything remotely resembling an ounce of honor or self respect in their black little souls.) but it was a good, solid flick and a boatload of fun from start to finish. This movie is a rollercoaster ride and a wonderfully good time, with delightful performances by the entire cast. This is ME telling YOU to go see Sherlock Holmes. Now with Avatar the thing is, at the end of the day, I just really don't care about it at all. A LOT of money, an OBSCENE amount of money really, has been spent begging, cajoling, and all but DEMANDING that we, collectively, give a fuck about this film and yet I just don't. It could be explained as hype-backlash, but I really hope I'm not so tragically hip that I'd lose interest in something based solely on the fact that everyone else in the motherfucking planet up in arms about it. In 1990 when the anti-Batman backlash started and all my friends who were well into Batman leading up to the Burton film suddenly decided Batman was lame now, I stuck by Bruce because god damn it I don't want to live in a world where the fucking BATMAN isn't cool. THAT world can kiss my ass! To be honest, I have to say that I was NEVER excited about Avatar, and I don't know if there really IS one simple reason. It's a sci-fi extravaganza and I feel I SHOULD be excited about it. Aliens, space ships, humans being assholes... these are things I LIVE for, and yet for every mention of it all I can muster is a half-hearted "meh" at best. There are reasons I can see for hating the damn thing sight unseen, and yet I don't hate it either. The CGI, for all the money they sunk into it, still looks fake and cartoony when compared to the flesh and blood actors, and when I see the trailers for Avatar, I feel like I am watching clips from two different films. There are scenes from one movie about a fella in a wheelchair, and then a second and entirely separate cartoon movie about half naked blue cat people who take on some big Space Marine armada, Ewok style. I think it is about time we as an audience stood up and said NO to the over-usage of CGI before Hollywood vanished inside it's own 8-Bit asshole, but hey if I could forgive George Lucas, then I can forgive Terminator Guy right? Maybe I should hate it because the writer (Terminator Guy again) of Avatar so obviously hates us. What passes for a plot seems to be a rehash of FernGully and Dances With Wolves, and the ONLY possible explanation for a professional writer naming an unobtainable element something so bedrock stupid as Unobtainium is because they hate their audience and have no respect for them what so ever. That would be a very valid reason to hate this film juggernaut, and yet I don't hate it. I just don't care. I suppose it could be because I AM excited about The Last Airbender, a film based on the best animated series ever created by Americans, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and every time I hear someone freaking out about Avatar, my brain, for just the smallest moment, gets excited that maybe there are people in the world as thrilled about The Last Airbender as I am. But no, it seems I am one of perhaps seven people on Earth who realize how GREAT this all but unknown film has the potential to be. Am I bitter about that, and by proxy disgusted with Avatar? That's more likely a part of it, yes, but somehow I just don't think that this, or any of these reasons are the alpha and/or omega of my Avatar issues. If that were the case I would think I would just finally be able to comfortably HATE Avatar, and be done with it, yet I don't. I NOTHING Avatar, and that is the heart of the problem. I NOTHING this movie so much that it is leading to a desire to see it purely to finally have a position on the bastard. I have become obsessed with the fucking thing because I am SO unmoved by it. I am, you may have noticed, a creature of extremes. I love something or I hate something. At the very LEAST I like something or think something is a bit crap. Now, here is something I feel a real and true sense of apathy towards and for that reason alone it drives me mad. Banality so rarely enters into my equation that I don't know what to do with it now that it is here. So congratulations Avatar, my own lack of Give A Damn has accomplished what your huge, throbbing, sweaty, purple veined marketing campaign could not; I want to see the son of a bitching movie just so I can develop some feeling about it one way or another. I guess while it's true when Lady Sovereign said, "Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession" it's also true that Apathy can lead to obsession and for that I say fuck you Avatar, here's my eight dollars. Now let me in.

Dragon Age: Origins Review or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Darkspawn

2009-12-28T00:44:00.000-08:00

I picked up Dragon Age: Origins from EA and BioWare on the ever so infamous "Black Friday" after Thanksgiving. It seemed interesting, all the right people seemed to be saying good things about it, and hell Best Buy was all but giving it away. How could I say no? So I made my purchase and nipped back across the street to my apartment to give it a shot. I settled in and popped the disc in my trusty Xbox, which it didn't leave until the night before Christmas Eve when we took it out to watch It's a Wonderful Life.

First off let me say that this game had me at Hello. I am a sucker for games that allow character creation and customization, and while this game may not have as wide an array of options as something like City of Heroes or (strangely enough) Infected for the PSP, it allows you to create a character that is uniquely yours in a way far too few games will. Once T'naula, the city elf warrior was ready to go, I dove in. The world of Dragon Age is familiar to anyone who has ever read a fantasy novel, played a fantasy RPG, or so much as watched Lord of the Rings once, and yet it is wonderfully unique at the same time. This is a fantasy world all its own, brilliantly crafted down to the fine details, so much so that the release of a Dragon Age table top role-playing game has already been announced. Now, the last thing I need in my life is ANOTHER tabletop RPG and yet this world, and this first story they have told within it, is so engaging that I can't help but wonder what tales I could spin out of it myself. I found myself quickly enthralled with their saga of demonic infiltration, political betrayal and intrigue. Much like my sainted FABLE II, the story is crafted by the decisions you make for good or ill, which allows for an amazing amount of replayability which is far more important than most game designers seem to realize in a world where new video games run sixty bucks a pop. My first play though has been spent making mostly morally "good" decisions with the exception of being lead just slightly astray by the games delightfully wicked witch Morrigan, who is, I assure you, quite irrespirable. The story gives equal attention to developing character depth (the actual Role Playing aspect of RPGs that so many video game RPGs manage to ignore entirely) as it does to hacking and slashing the living crap out of a near limitless number of demons affectionately dubbed "Darkspawn." I will tell you this, though. If you take my advice and find yourself playing this game, take some more of my advice here and save often. Save as often as you can imagine needing to save, and then after that save some more. Death can take your party at any time and toss you back to your last save point, and nothing is more frustrating than having to clear an entire underground warren of Darkspawn, only to have to turn around and do it all over again for lack of taking a moment to save after each cavern is cleared.
"So, the game was great?" You ask? "Why surely there must have been SOME flaws!" You say? Why yes there were, and I shall explain them to you here. First off, the graphics, which over all seemed quite good bothered me in one particular way. It seems as though all of the graphics were crafted "in focus" and then some soft of "blur filter" was added over whatever was supposed to be out of focus to give the world depth. Now this is all fine and well, but you can quite often SEE the in focus images peeking out from behind the blur filter and by god can it be distracting. Also it seems the difficulty level can be a bit skewed at times. The first time this frustrated me was in a random encounter after my time spent under a god damned mountain convincing the dwarves to fight by my side in the upcoming war by cleaning the god forsaken Darkspawn out of their caverns for them. I had just torn a bloody path though hundreds of the demonic bastards only to be waylaid by a pathetic little group of highwaymen on my way back to civilization. Somehow this prick and his merry band of thieves tore through my battle hardened party again and again and again regardless of tactics employed. I eventually had to lower the difficulty on the game a notch in order to get the upper hand in the battle. A band of highwaymen tougher than an army of Hellspawn? Something about that still doesn't sit right with me. Now, I am having a similar problem at the end of the game. I have attempted to destroy the draconic Arch Demon three times now to no avail. Now I have no doubt that once I have a full day to dedicate to the bloody murder of the foul beast, my team will eventually come out on top. But again I find myself faced with a learning curve that is more closely akin to a steep cliff face after a brisk jog on a cool spring day.
And there you have it: Dragon Age: Origins, what I sincerely hope is only the 1st game in the Dragon Age franchise. For its few minor flaws, this game is fun... LOADS of fun, and bloody addictive as well. I can assure you I've lost more than a few hours of sleep to my need to make it just a BIT further along and I already have my second character in mind and will be playing him just as soon as i behead that sonofabitch Arch Demon.

Dante's Inferno Demo: First Impressions.

2009-12-25T19:34:00.000-08:00

A capsule review for Christmas:
After one play through of the demo for EA and Visceral Games' video game adaptation of Dante's Inferno, I can assure you I will NOT be buying this game. You see, I've read The Divine Comedy and I am fairly sure the game designers did not. This game seems as though it were designed by two prepubescent meth addicts who skimmed the Wikipedia entry on Dante Alighieri's Inferno and decided it sounded "bad-ass" but needed "more titties."

The Steam Powered Sounds of Adventure: Abney Park's Æther Shanties

2009-12-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

I discovered Seattle based Abney Park soon after moving here to the Emerald City myself. It was a sort of package deal wherein I also discovered there was a name for folks who had outgrown the angst of the Goth culture, but still enjoyed a bit of Victorian finery, and had a taste for Mad Science. That name was SteamPunk, a budding new subculture spawned from a literary genre, and god was it ever a comfortable fit. With my first paycheck earned here on the west coast, I did two things. I had a pair of brass and clockwork goggles built, and I purchased access to the Download Vault within Abney Park's website. That was in April of 2007, and since then they have released two albums; Lost Horizons in 2008 and Æther Shanties, which was released Dec. 1st, 2009. Lost Horizons defined the anachronistic sound of SteamPunk, and now with
Æther Shanties they continue to refine the genre they are at the forefront of creating. The entire album is thrillingly infectious from start to finish. With energizing adventure in every beat and note of songs like Under The Radar, Building Steam, and the Æther Shanty itself to the near heartbreaking beauty of the songs The Clockyard and Victoria, this album is a well written, well played, and well crafted complete package. The highlight, to me at least, is the song UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE. The song, according to Captain Robert Brown, started as an experiment in the nature of SteamPunk art. Here, I'll let him explain it, as written in his livejournal:

Until The Day I Die started as a concept: "If Steampunk art is old parts bolted together to make new things, can that be done with very old recordings?" So just like Daniel and Nathaniel's instruments, I started bolting together vintage parts and modern parts to create something new. Prior to this we had taken old STYLES and mixed with new STYLES, but this is the first time we took very old recordings and stitched them together to make something new.

This song ALONE would be reason enough to buy this album even if the rest of the tracks were sub-par to average, which they are not. I am not, nor have i ever been, a "dancing guy" but when I hear this song it is nearly impossible for me to sit still. It will get in your blood like a virus and remaining immobile will not be an option. Not a song you can simply listen to, Until The Day I Die plays YOU more so than the other way around.
Æther Shanties is, at the end of the day, a perfect follow up to Lost Horizons... Continuing the sounds of pulp adventure that we expect from Abney Park while changing and challenging our expectations as to what SteamPunk as a musical genre can be.

Review of C. C. Finlay's Traitor to the Crown Trilogy or: Pay Attention Stephanie Meyer, THIS is What Good Books Look Like.

2009-12-07T11:06:00.000-08:00

I'm always on the lookout for something good to read while I waste away on the god damned Seattle Metro 16 from Northgate to The Seattle Center and back. Last month I grabbed The Patriot Witch by C.C. Finlay on a whim while killing time at the bookstore across the street from my apartment. The first in his Traitor to the Crown series, followed by A Spell for the Revolution and The Demon Redcoat, it looked like it could be fun... a sort of Secret Magical History of The Revolutionary War. "Hey," I thought. "I like magic, and I like flintlocks. Why not give it a shot?" I had been looking for SOMETHING to read, and all the other books I
had found that night were hardcover. Who the hell can afford hardcover books these days, honestly? So here was a nice paperback book, the first in a series, that already had me imagining a "real world" version of my beloved FABLE II. (It's the best video game since Pac-Man. If you disagree, shut up. You're wrong.) I was tempted to buy the whole series that night but decided against it. It was a writer I had never heard of, after all. What if it sucked, right? So I settled on just buying The Patriot Witch, and figured I would come back for the others if I wound up enjoying it. SPOILER ALERT: Less than a week later, I was back to purchase the other two books.

The series opens in 1775 and follows the exploits of Proctor Brown, a New England Minuteman with a small talent for divining the future and Quaker Deborah Walcott, a truly talented witch whose mother and father work to keep the existence of magic secret. With a vast knowledge of history and a natural knack for storytelling, Finlay weaves his tale of arcane power and intrigue seamlessly into the framework of actual events. Historical and fictional characters interact within the pages of all three books. Quite a few times i found myself saying "No, that can't be how it happened!" and jumping on the dear old internet to research an event, only to find out (to no great surprise really) that Mr. Finlay did indeed know the history of America far better than i did. The most pleasing of these moments, to me at least, was the wonderful way the author manages to explain away all of the historical inaccuracies present in Emanuel Leutze's famous Washington Crossing the Delaware painting.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I will say there were some moments where the dialogue felt too casual and modern for the time period, jarring me out of "the moment." Also, there were instances where perhaps a better proofreading would have helped lessen some confusion between "The Farm" occupied by Proctor and Deborah's coven of witches and "the farm" without capital letters as referencing any random farm where the story was taking place a the time. These are minor issues however, and overall the three stories presented in these books are exceedingly sharp and marvelously well crafted. The culmination of the story arc left me both satisfied and still wanting to read more tales set in the world Finlay has crafted. Above all these books were a fun and (forgive me the obvious pun) spellbinding read well worth picking up.

Stephenie Meyer is the Worst Writer Ever and Hates Women: A Pop Culture Postmortem Review of the Two Twilight Books We Could Make it Through

2009-12-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

I hate everything about this ridiculously overblown pop culture sensation, and New Moon is as far as I could get without throwing up. Twilight, the first book was awful in that it was juvenile and poorly written. The second book in this sad excuse for a series shows NO growth on behalf of the author and what passes for a story devolves into the worst sort of rubbish. It was bad enough when Bella decided she was eternally in love with the "dangerous prettyboy" that she barely KNOWS in Twilight, but in New Moon Bella's "I'm NOTHING without my boyfriend" drivel is pure EVIL! This is a terrible message to be sent to the young girls that are the pre-packaged core audience of this book. This series should just strip away all pretense and call itself BAREFOOT, NAKED AND PREGNANT IN THE KITCHEN FOREVER: The Vampire Chronicles. These books are bad and if you like it some part of you is dead inside, and you should feel bad!

Welcome to the Autopsy

2009-11-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

As i was getting myself together to face the day this morning, i was pulling pins out of a new shirt i had bought for work. Wouldn't you know it, I managed to stab one of the little rat-fuckers right into my fingertip. I was groggily awake at best before the god damned heartless steel punctured my tender flesh, but you can bet i was well awake and alert immediately afterward. This story serves no real point other than to assure you that the prototype of Pop Culture Postmortem was in fact birthed the old fashioned way, with pain and blood. What we'll have here, and eventually at our Grown Up site is exactly what is promised in the title... A violent, elbow deep dissection of the world of popular culture. So come along and, as a wise man once said, "buy the ticket, take the ride." One thing i can promise you... it'll be worth every penny you pay for it.

-7r0i